Motherhood is a journey filled with joy, love, and countless precious moments. You’ll likely never forget the first time you heard your child say “mama” or watched your little one take their first steps. However, it's also a path of mixed emotions, and one of the most complex feelings new mothers experience is grief. Yes, you read that right—grief in motherhood. It may sound counterintuitive, but if you are the mom of an infant, toddler, or even a budding teen, the stages of grief are real and emotionally complex.
In this blog post, we'll explore the conflicting feelings that often accompany motherhood and discuss how you can embrace the duality of feeling grief and happiness simultaneously.
Understanding Grief in Motherhood
Grief in motherhood is about mourning, missing, and grieving the stages of your child's growth. From the moment your little one is born, they begin a journey of discovery, development, and independence. While dads might feel these feelings too, it’s the moms that we work with who express these feelings of grief as they see their child grow and change at each stage, and some more than others. For example, you might often catch yourself reminiscing about the early days when your babies were tiny, fragile bundles and recall sweetly rocking them to sleep. You grieve the passing of time and the stages your children leave behind, as well as the type of mother you were during those stages. It's completely normal to feel sadness and a sense of mourning when you realize your baby is no longer a baby - and never will be again (that’s a super tough thought if you loved that stage, right?!). You both miss the moments when they needed you for everything and you celebrate their newfound independence.
Yes, the feelings of grief are very real, and you simultaneously experience excitement for who they are becoming. Many days, you’ll feel proud as you witness your children develop their personalities, talents, and quirks. You easily embrace the joy of their growth, eagerly anticipating who they will become next.
Contradictory Emotions
The term "both-and" is a powerful concept, one that has been around for some time in psychology and has gained some renewed influence through Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist also known as the Millennial Parenting Whisperer. Her approach acknowledges the coexistence of seemingly contradictory emotions, a dynamic profoundly felt in motherhood. For example, you can feel the grief of your baby growing up and also be happy for the person they're becoming, all at the same time. Dr. Becky Kennedy often speaks about embracing the "both-and" philosophy and encourages mothers to accept and acknowledge that two things can be true at the same time.
Here's how you can navigate this complex emotional landscape:
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Acknowledge your feelings and try your best to name them, specifically.
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Recognize that it's perfectly normal to feel grief over your baby or child’s growth. Your feelings of loss are valid and do not diminish your love for your child or your excitement about their future.
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Give yourself permission to grieve and acknowledge that grief is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it's a natural response to the changes in your life. Allow yourself to grieve the stages that have passed while celebrating the new ones.
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Create keepsakes, mementos, or journals to preserve the memories of your child's earlier stages. This can be a therapeutic way to honor the past while embracing the present.
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Connect with other moms who can empathize with your emotions and offer support, knowing that they've experienced similar moments in their motherhood journey.
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Practice self-care and take care of yourself. Prioritizing time to reconnect with yourself and honor your journey as a mother and woman is essential during this emotional time. Self-care activities can help you process your feelings and rejuvenate your spirits.
Motherhood is a complex, emotional journey. Feeling both grief and happiness at the same time is not contradictory; it's a testament to the depth of your love and the complexity of your role as a mother. As you navigate and embrace the next phase of your child’s development, embrace the "both-and" philosophy, honor your emotions, and savor every moment (while also forgiving yourself for also being human). In doing so, you'll find that your journey as a new mother becomes even more memorable and rewarding.
For extra support during this time, or more guidance around embracing the “both-and” approach to parenting, contact Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado to speak with our team about therapy to support your journey as a mother.
