Our perception of narcissism has evolved beyond labeling individuals as “narcissists” when they act overly self-important. While characteristics associated with overt types of narcissism often grabs our attention, its lesser-known counterpart, covert narcissism, is often more subtle in relationships. In this blog post, we'll explore covert narcissism, its prevalence, characteristics, and the challenges it poses, particularly within dating, marriage, and other relationships.
Understanding the Spectrum of Narcissism
It’s important to note that there is a difference between traits of narcissism (e.g., what are commonly talked about in pop psychology) which is descriptive rather than a clinical word, and the clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fifth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). For example, you might hear people say, “that person is such a narcissist” when they are referring to them having traits of narcissism and it is unlikely (statistically speaking, as well as it’s unlikely they have been formerly diagnosed) that the person actually has NPD. For the purpose of this conversation, we are not going to talk about the characteristics of the diagnosis of NPD, but rather the traits of narcissism in general.
Expert in the field of narcissism, Dr. Ramani, states that narcissism exists on a spectrum which ranges from malignant, exploitative behaviors on the more “severe” end of the spectrum, to more commonly observed overt displays of grandiosity to more covert and hard to recognize manifestations of self-absorption on the more “mild” end (Durvasula, 2020). In fact, she outlines 7 subtypes of narcissism on this spectrum in her youtube video series, including malignant, grandiose, covert, overt, communal, benign, generational or cultural, and sometimes people have a blend of various narcissistic traits.
Here are some characteristics that all types of narcissism share:
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Lack of empathy
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Entitlement
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Grandiosity
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Difficulty regulating emotions
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Arrogance
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Chronic insecurity
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A strong desire for recognition, admiration, and praise
Two of the most commonly observed types are covert and overt. Overt narcissists are what we tend to think of when we say someone is “a narcissist” because they are easier to spot - they attract attention due to displays of superiority and inflated ego, are usually extroverted, display a sense of entitlement, require excessive admiration, are arrogant, focused on themes of success and power (e.g., the stereotype of the CEO of a company who drives expensive cars and needs to be with someone who is also attractive in terms of society’s eyes), are defensive and sometimes quick to anger, and tend not to respect boundaries.
Introduction to Covert Narcissism
In contrast, covert narcissism operates beneath the surface (Durvasula, 2020). Its prevalence might be higher than you think, as it's often masked due to its subtle nature. They lack the social abilities and charisma that are commonly found with other narcissists, and instead may struggle more socially with fitting in, and be self-deprecating and needy. Characteristics include fragile self-esteem, a victim mentality (e.g., like they are always wronged by others), the tendency to manipulate through emotional tactics, and a quiet sense of superiority. Dr. Ramani also talks about covert narcissists being anxious, vulnerable, sullen, and resentful. Identifying covert narcissism can be challenging due to its internalized nature (Durvasula, 2020). Interestingly, covert narcissism also highly correlates with introversion.
Distinguishing Covert vs. Overt Narcissism Traits
Unlike overt narcissists who seek attention and validation through loud and boastful behaviors, covert narcissists (also called vulnerable narcissists) tend to be more introverted and focus on eliciting sympathy or empathy from others. Their manipulation tactics are subtle, often using guilt, passive-aggressiveness, or playing the victim to control and influence their relationships. Dr. Ramani indicates that they will attribute others’ success to good luck (rather than hard work and gifts) and their own success to bad luck (not a lack of hard work, initiation and gifts). (Durvasula, 2020)
While Dr. Ramani and other narcissism researchers find them presenting as depressed, victimized, needy, irritable, hostile, anxious, and sad, they still have the same underlying traits similar to other types of narcissism:
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Over-inflated sense of self-importance
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Lack of empathy
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Need for excessive admiration
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Validation seeking
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Sense of entitlement
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Choosing superficial relationships that add “value” to them
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Taking advantage of others for personal gain
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Resistance to change
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Hyper-focusing on fantasies of grandeur
Identifying Covert Narcissism in Relationships
Recognizing covert narcissism within relationships requires you to tune into subtle behavioral patterns. Some signs to watch for include a consistent need for validation, a lack of genuine empathy, manipulation through guilt or pity, and an inclination to control situations. In dating, marriage, or other relationships, red flags may include feeling like you are walking on eggshells, being emotionally drained, or a constant imbalance in the relationship dynamics.
Another example is when a covert narcissist doesn't get their way or a partner sets a boundary with them, they are likely to subtly turn things around to make their partner feel like they are the one asking too much or is difficult to please when it was a reasonable request or boundary.
Impact of Covert Narcissism on Relationships
The effects of covert narcissism on partners, spouses, and family members can lead to emotional exhaustion, confusion, and self-doubt. Partners and family members of covert narcissists might struggle to recognize the toxicity within the relationship due to the covert nature of the manipulation, leading to long-term emotional and psychological consequences. They might question their sanity, engage in self-blame, or invest too much in “fixing” unfixable situations provoked by the covert narcissist.
Coping Strategies and Seeking Help
When you’re dealing with someone whose narcissistic traits are activated, you’re not going to get very far with reasoning with them. Set boundaries and reason with them after they are no longer in a state of mind where all they care about is themselves.
Setting boundaries becomes crucial when dealing with covert narcissists. Establishing clear limits on acceptable behavior and practicing self-preservation techniques, such as self-care and affirming one's self-worth, can help mitigate the negative effects. Dr. Ramani has a helpful episode on grey-rocking, a type of communication that preserves your energy and protects you from further escalation with a narcissist. Seeking professional help and creating support networks provide valuable resources for navigating the complexities of such relationships. Strategies for healing and moving forward after a relationship with a covert narcissist include unpacking the psychological effects of covert narcissism, self-reflection, rebuilding self-esteem, and re-establishing healthy and trusting relationships with others.
Understanding covert narcissism can help you protect your emotional well-being in relationships. It's essential to seek help and foster awareness to recognize these subtle, but damaging behaviors. At Center for Shared Insight, we offer therapy, guidance, and support in dealing with covert and other types of narcissism and its impact on relationships. Recognizing and addressing covert narcissism is a crucial step towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Seeking help, understanding the signs, and setting boundaries are key in protecting yourself and your loved ones from the detrimental effects of covert narcissistic behaviors. Contact us today.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
Durvasula, R. (2020, April 20). What does it mean to go "gray rock"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships). Youtube. January 26, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly0EfWUYArU
Durvasula, R. (2020, May 17). Covert Narcissists: Everything you need to know (part 1/3). YouTube. January 26, 2024, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNFIQ46-s-A
Durvasula, R. (2020, May 17). Covert Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 2/3). Youtube. Jan 27, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4euend-XfEA
Durvasula, R. (2020, May 17). Covert Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 1/3). Youtube. January 26, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNFIQ46-s-A&t=27s
