As a Denver therapist specializing in attachment theory, I often work with clients who are working through challenging dynamics within a relationship. The dance of connection is full of steps and moves that impact the overall harmony between partners. Learning to ask yourself “will this create distance or connection?” can be a helpful step in cultivating more satisfying relationships.
In this post, we’ll dive into the delicate balance between behaviors, often influenced by your attachment style, that foster connection and those that might distance you from people in your life.
Distancing vs. Closeness Behaviors
There are numerous ways that you can show up in a relationship that might be creating distance, such as:
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Criticizing
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Not acknowledging bids for connection
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Missing opportunities to be curious about something that is being talked about, by asking follow-up questions
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Not responding to or responding to communications in a rigid manner (e.g., only at certain times with no flexibility)
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Seeking connection in a way that doesn’t respect the other person’s need for autonomy or space (e.g., calling or texting your partner throughout the work day when they have communicated that they are not able to focus on work)
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Jumping to conclusions about a partner's behavior due to your own anxiety
Alternatively, some simple, yet powerful ways to enhance connection in relationships involve:
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Being curious about what the other person cares about or is discussing (e.g., “That is really interesting that they said that to you, what do you think you’ll next?”)
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Expressing gratitude for the little and big things you like or appreciation about a person. Even daily gratitude rituals are so essential in long-term relationships.
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Noticing and responding to bids for connection (e.g., your partner says, “oh wow!” about something, you ask, “what is it?!” or when your partner says, “I had such an awful day,” you can say, “I am sorry to hear that, would you like to talk about it more?”)
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Finding a balance of communication that works for both partners
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Asking when a good time would be to talk about something important
Attachment theory
Attachment theory is a cornerstone in understanding human relationships, and the core of this theory is the idea that your early experiences with caregivers shape your expectations and behaviors in adult relationships. Behaviors fall on a continuum from greater comfort with closeness to greater comfort with distance or somewhere in between. Based on your attachment style, your actions and words might nurture connection or push your partner away.
Creating awareness
Everyone has behavioral tendencies based on their attachment style. Becoming aware of your style and whether your more natural reactions in relationships aid in or detract from the connection is critical to relationship success. It is also important to be aware of others’ attachment styles
Another way to think about this is understanding whether your tendencies might push people away and create distance or promote closeness. If you have an insecure-avoidant attachment style, creating distance might be the more comfortable and vulnerability-reducing choice in order for you to feel less overwhelmed or feel more in control of a situation. However, this pull away creates dynamics that may result in division and disconnection in a relationship, even though they help you feel less vulnerable or stressed at the time.
On the other hand, when closeness is your comfort zone, such as with those who lean more anxious in their attachment, you might promote a sense of peace and harmony in a relationship or your desire for closeness may feel like too much for some people and may actually create distance. In the pursuit of connection, it’s important to have a sense of what others’ comfort level is with closeness and distance as well.
Reflecting on Examples
Let's consider a scenario where your partner constantly seeks validation and reassurance from you (more common with partners who lean towards anxious attachment behaviors). While this behavior may stem from a genuine need for connection, it can inadvertently create a sense of suffocation for you. If you have a more avoidant attachment style, a partner who needs constant validation can promote reactions that result in emotional distance (the exact opposite of what the person is seeking).
In other examples, the tendency of those who lean more towards avoidant attachment to withhold information, avoid vulnerability, and sometimes,resort to passive-aggressive communication are examples of distancing behaviors. Over time, these behaviors can erode the fabric of intimacy within a relationship. In contrast, asking for time and space if you need it, acts of genuine kindness, active listening, and open communication are secure attachment behaviors that serve to strengthen the bond between partners.
Self-Assessment
To apply this knowledge to your own relationships, begin with a willingness to engage in honest self-reflection. Do you understand your attachment style, your partner’s attachment style and how you show up in relationships? Take a moment to consider your recent interactions with your partner or people in your life. Are they consciously or unconciously creating distance? Are you intentionally showing up in ways that foster connection and closeness??
Communication plays a pivotal role in bridging the gap between intention and perception. By expressing your needs and emotions openly and honestly, you can create an environment where both you and your partner feels heard, valued, and respected.
As you strive to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships, remember that your actions, decisions, and behaviors, whether consciously or unconsciously, shape the quality of your connection. By fostering awareness and mindfulness in your interactions, you can pave the way for deeper intimacy and understanding.
To learn more about Center for Shared Insight our approach to individual therapy, schedule a free consultation today.
