Creating security and safety in a relationship is key to unlocking vulnerability and trust. However, many individuals aren’t accustomed to feeling psychologically safe in a relationship. This is likely due to individuals experiencing the common dating games and confusion, as well as a concern to assert one’s needs, fearing that they won’t be well-received or met.
Just like your love language, you likely have specific preferences and needs related to how you feel safe and secure in an intimate relationship. Understanding the details around these behaviors and clearly communicating them can make all the difference in your relationship satisfaction. Especially if you and your partner have different attachment styles, and therefore, different needs around the cadence of your communication or the ways in which you interact, it’s critical to get clear about what you need and make those requests of your partner. They won’t magically know what you need if you don’t articulate your expectations.
Having a foundation of safety is critical to the long-term success and emotional health of any partnership. In this post, we discuss the importance of both identifying your needs and preferences in the relationship as well as how to communicate those requests to your partner.
Identify Your Preferences
The first step to creating more security in your relationship is identifying what you need to feel a sense of safety. Your past experiences, attachment style, dating goals, and communication preferences will impact these needs. Consider what types of behaviors and activities can be consistently demonstrated to support your safety needs. These might include touching base first thing in the morning and before bedtime with your partner via text or a phone call. You may want a consistent date night, a night when you video chat, or even a “contract” around how you’ll handle disagreements (i.e. talk in person within 48 hours, listen to each person’s perspective, reach an agreement on next steps). Consider behaviors that are easy to demonstrate and more measurable, rather than just general statements like “I want more communication” so that, when you articulate these needs to your partner, he or she can clearly and successfully demonstrate them.
Communicate Your Requests
Once you have identified the behaviors and activities you need in the relationship to build security and safety, it’s time to share those with your partner. Do this intentionally, asking them ahead of time to have this conversation and inviting them to do the same about what they need in the relationship. Before you share your requests, verify that you are both are in a good space to receive this information (e.g., well rested, fed, and able to actively listen?). When you share the actions you need, the cadence you expect, and how they can support the psychological safety of the relationship, use specific examples and “I feel” statements. It’s easy to default to placing blame if your needs aren’t being met by saying things like “when you don’t text me in the morning, my day gets thrown off because I question how you are feeling about us all day”. Instead, try “I feel appreciated and seen when my day starts with a text from you. Texting me first thing in the morning helps me feel connected to you and eases my anxious attachment style”. While this type of communication may feel very unnatural at first, it reinforces the impact of certain actions and activities and helps each partner take ownership of their feelings, rather than placing blame based on someone else’s behavior.
Creating long-term relationship security is an intentional practice and takes commitment and maturity from each partner. In fact, having a regular check-in where feelings are shared and discussed can be important to recalibrate the relationship before it gets off track.
At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we work with clients who are actively committed to improving their relationships through strategies like this and other approaches. Through therapy, you can get clearer about what you need and how you can share those preferences in a way that reinforces the security of the relationship. Contact us to learn how we can support your relationship journey.
