When you are frustrated with your partner, it often feels easier in the moment to let things go or “sweep them under the rug” to keep the peace. While some small quirks, like their chronic habit of leaving dishes in the sink, might be good candidates for acceptance, more significant points of friction, like how often they check their phone when you are trying to share important information about your day, will often build up and can lead to a blow-up or heated argument. This is because not communicating your needs, goals, or wants doesn’t help solve them, it just delays addressing the points of friction.
In order to overcome this, you first need to become aware of your tendency to react in this way. In addition, consider why you do this. Is there a reason it feels safer or easier to “shove it” than “say it”?
The part of you that fears disconnection, rejection, and having needs unmet might not believe that your needs can or will be met by speaking up. You may be afraid of being vulnerable by sharing your true thoughts and emotions or even feel like a burden when you assert your needs. You may also struggle with self-esteem or lack assertiveness, which can make it difficult to communicate your needs. Consider the personal, social, attachment-based, and cultural factors that might contribute to the challenges you feel around sharing your feelings and asking for what you need.
Once you are aware of your behaviors and why you might react in the ways you do, consider these three strategies to overcome the tendency to stuff your feelings:
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Set aside regular times to discuss your feelings
It can be helpful for couples to set aside regular times to address any issues that may be causing tension or conflict in the relationship. One way to do this is to schedule regular "check-in" sessions so both partners can share their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. These sessions can be on the same day of the week and time of day to create consistency and a habit of sharing feedback. Having regular check-ins also prepares both partners to be open and receptive to each other's perspectives by listening and asking sincere questions that can support a deeper understanding.
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Agree to a framework for sharing your needs
Regardless of when you agree to have these check-ins, it can be helpful to set ground rules for a feedback discussion. Common rules might be taking turns speaking and actively listening without interrupting, coming away with actionable next steps, or trying to stay focused on the present issues rather than bringing up past challenges. Sometimes a start/stop/continue framework can help your partner see what he or she is doing well as well as what needs to change.
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Ask if it’s a good time to share feedback
Even if you don’t put regular check-ins on the calendar, if something is bothering you, it’s a good idea to ask your partner whether it's a good time to receive feedback, especially if you think the feedback might be sensitive or potentially difficult for them to hear. This can show respect for your partner's needs and help to create a safe and open environment for communication. You could also approach the situation by letting your partner choose the best time for the discussion by saying: "I have something important that I'd like to talk about with you. Is now a good time, or would it be better to schedule a time to talk later?" Make sure you and your partner are rested, fed, not stressed about work or other aspects of life, and don’t have time restraints when you begin these important conversations.
Avoiding relationship blow-ups requires regular, mature feedback and the willingness to change based on that feedback. Many times, resentment builds up due to seemingly small things that add up or become big things over time. Understanding why you might be reluctant to bring these things up, and ways you can do so safely, is key to creating a more fulfilling relationship.
At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we work with individuals who are proactively examining ways to improve their relationships and desire more fulfilling partnerships. We help them reflect on what’s working and how they can become a better partner through both understanding their own behavior and the ways they interact with those closest to them. Contact us if you’d like to learn more about our therapy services.
