Codependence is often thought of as being overly dependent or even “needy” or addicted to having a partner in your life (usually a romantic partner, but not always). However, codependent behaviors can also include being controlling, over-managing situations, mothering others, changing yourself to fit in, and more. If you are overly focused on monitoring how others are doing or behaving versus living your own life, you may have codependent tendencies.
In this post, we dive into how codependency may show up in your relationships, why this tendency develops, and how to make peace with this dynamic within you or others.
Codependency is a Result of Your Past Experiences
Codependency does not develop by chance or because you are somehow flawed. Codependence is a coping mechanism that develops as a result of growing up in an environment where your needs were not met appropriately, consistently or in an attuned way. It’s a strategy to control how and when you get your needs met - by molding yourself around and attending to the needs of others, starting with your caregivers and maybe your siblings.
Perhaps you were taught to prioritize the needs of others over your own because one or more of your caregivers were unable to provide for their own needs in addition to yours. You may also develop codependent behaviors as a way to cope with or prevent further emotional trauma or abuse. You could have learned to be codependent as a way to manage chaos, get your needs met, and cope with instability in your childhood, perhaps because you witnessed situations like parental discord, parental stress due to food insecurity, finances or job loss, or drug or alcohol abuse by your caregivers. Other times, codependent behavior can be learned by observing and imitating the behavior of others, such as parents who exhibited codependent behavior because of situations they grew up in.
Examples of what this might look like involve learning that if your parent seems happier and more present for you when you clean up the house and get good grades and are irritable, unavailable and depressed when you don’t do those things, you learn to tune in with their moods and do things to change it. Essentially, in order to get what you need - a more present and available parent - you figure out ways to be, act, feel and do things. Over time, you internalize this message, to get your needs met, you need to tune in with others’ needs and meet them first.
Because codependent behavior becomes normalized in your life, always tuning in to others’ needs and feeling dependent on them and their moods or well-being to know where you stand, it can become a pattern in relationships and lead to feelings of low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, and an inability to identify and express your own feelings and needs.
Making Peace With Codependency
Once you can identify and become aware of how codependency shows up in your relationships, you can cultivate understanding and develop compassion for the part of you that feels the need to control things. By recognizing that this control stems from patterns in your life where a lack of control or managing others led to chaos, trouble, or things falling apart or the fear of this happening, you can more clearly see both your reactions and needs in relationships. For example, before you engage in controlling behaviors, question whether you are trying to change an outcome that isn’t yours to change - for your partner, child, family member or friend. In Glennon Doyle’s podcast, We Can Do Hard Things (Author of Untamed), she reminds us to let others (namely our children) live their lives and make their own mistakes (within reason). If you focus on others too much, you end up responding more to the parts of yourself you are trying to heal, such as the rebellious teen or the 7-year-old child who was teased on the playground.
Another essential part of the healing process is to own and have compassion for the part of you that became codependent as a coping mechanism because you were too focused on the people around you and how you should change or manage them (like you did for your parents) versus focusing on yourself. Begin to recognize have compassion for, and forgive the part of you who developed these behaviors to survive. Notice how these dynamics still show up today when you don’t get your needs met. In those moments, ask that part of you what it needs right now and what you can do to help meet that need yourself with compassion. As you work through your healing process, notice how deflection, or being overly focused on others versus yourself, continues to show up. It can be so easy - because it is so engrained - to slip back into behaviors in an attempt to control, manage or shift how things are going for others. Recognize how deflection becomes an avoidance strategy because it is easy to change others while it is hard to change yourself. To truly feel better, the focus has to be internal, not external.
At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we can accelerate your process of self-discovery by sharing insights and experiences related to codependency and other relationship dynamics. We offer a free consultation to learn more about our services. Contact us to schedule yours today.
