If you are online dating, chances are you are reviewing a number of dating profiles and looking for alignment in values, interests, and life goals. It’s easy to get your hopes up when you run across a dating profile that seems to be an ideal fit. Once you meet that person in real life, you may notice that the attributes on their profile will be very evident in early dates and taper off. Other times, you may not experience what’s promised in someone’s profile, such as “excellent communicator” or “honest and transparent” as you get to know them.
An essential question to keep in mind while dating is, “Is there continuity over time and situations between their profile and their actions or behavior?” The truth about dating profiles is that they are often not objective and are always based on a person’s frame of reference and life experiences. They often tend to be more aspirational than realistic. In this post, we discuss what to watch out for and what might be going on if the dating profile of your new romantic interest doesn’t seem to be matching up with your experience in the relationship.
The Role of Self-Awareness
Dating app profiles are only as good as someone’s self-awareness. They aren’t objectively true, verified, or written by someone who has dated this person. In fact, anyone could write anything to appear attractive and land a number of first dates. What someone includes in their dating profile is based on how authentically self-aware they are of their strengths and shortcomings. When reviewing profiles, look for signs of vulnerability and matches admitting weaknesses in order to find more authentic dating options. That might look like someone saying what they are working on in life, why they feel they are single, or any signs that they have “done the work” to understand their blind spots and triggers.
Recognize that dating profiles are based on a person’s point of reference and past experiences. For example, if someone says they are a “great communicator” they may have grown up in a home where poor communication was the norm and had partners with lower expectations around communication than you have. A great question to ask early in a relationship with this person might be “what does great communication mean to you?” or “can you share an example of when great communication helped you overcome a challenge in a past relationship” to make sure you are aligned on what “great” means.
Lastly, it is a natural human tendency to write a profile that is more aspirational than accurate. Seeing the best in oneself and wanting to put the best foot forward to meet a great match on a dating app isn’t necessarily dishonest, but sometimes matches stretch the truth to get the attention of others based on their own dating desires.
Notice Other Evidence
Dating profiles should be viewed as one initial data point as you get to know someone. Like any research you do in life, you continue to collect data points about a situation until you see some pattern emerge in the evidence. It takes time, different experiences, and objectivity to reach conclusions about the evidence and experiences you collect. Getting to know someone is no different than this process of research, and you’ll reach a conclusion about the accuracy of someone’s dating profile through experiencing them in different scenarios. Throughout this process, keeping a little distance is helpful to remain objective. If you can avoid getting too wrapped up in the emotions of a new romantic relationship, you can better witness the reality of what is unfolding.
Remember that no one would form conclusions in a research study off of one data point. In fact, they need hundreds, if not thousands, of data points to make a conclusion with confidence. If you find yourself thinking, “why is this person acting like this because they say in their dating profile that…” take a moment to consider whether your experiences of this person truly match what you initially read about them that made you excited to go on that first date.
At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we work with clients every day who are struggling to navigate the dynamics of online dating and intimate relationships. We are here to support your journey and help you find and keep more satisfying relationships through individual therapy. Contact us today for a free consultation and learn more about our services.
