In part one of this post, we discussed signs that you may be desperate for love and therefore, compromising what you look for in a partner. Here, in part two, we’ll examine strategies for overcoming this feeling of desperation and how to approach dating and relationships from a grounded, intentional, and healthy mindset.
Instead of grasping for relationships that might not be healthy or the best fit, implement these strategies instead to help you step back and evaluate your needs and desires before stepping into a relationship.
Understand the Root Cause
Relationships might feel essential in your life for a variety of reasons and getting to the root of why they are such a priority will provide insight into your own struggles and potential. Perhaps having a partner helps overcome your own limiting beliefs about your potential, or helps you feel more desirable. Maybe being with a significant other helps ease your dialogue about your self-worth, or simply boosts your ego. It’s possible that you struggle with codependency or other anxious attachment patterns. Maybe you need relationships as a distraction from the stresses of life, or maybe you even feel peer pressure to have a partnership to better “fit in” to social norms.
If you tend to be more anxiously attached, you may feel that you need partnership to feel complete. Oftentimes there is an overwhelming preoccupation with relationships or an intense neediness or longing. If you are anxiously attached, you may feel possessive, dependent, and preoccupied with a fear of rejection. You might feel an overwhelming fear of losing your partner. This attachment styles takes a tremendous amount of focused attention to overcome, but is possible with the right support. Connecting with expert resources, including podcasts, blogs, retreats, books, and womens/mens groups (in addition to a therapist) can help you learn more about others' experiences and how you can overcome the true causes of both anxious attachment and a tendency to experience love addiction.
When you are desperate for love, relationships and connection, it’s common that friends, career, and self-care often take a back seat. If you can truly approach partnership from a space of wholeness by making self-care, hobbies, interests, and your own support network a priority, you’ll cultivate a sense of completeness in your life. Without feeling like you need a partner to fill a void, you’ll be able to respond to dating without a sense of desperation. Enrich your life with experiences rather than just partnership. Take up a new hobby, join a meet-up group, or learn a new sport to enrich your life. Work to feel whole as yourself. Fall in love with your life through memorable times with friends and learning new things and you’ll be in a better position to allow someone into the mix for the right reasons.
It’s true that the best things come to those who are patient. Instead of rushing into the next relationship to take your mind off the last, be selective, intentional, and try to ignore the feeling that “the clock is ticking”. Instead, take the time and space to evaluate relationships without the fog of infatuation, and cultivate patience by taking the time to comprehensively evaluate the next relationship you are in. Notice how you truly feel when you are in the company of your next love interest and don’t settle until you feel comfortable, appreciated, and that you can truly be yourself in a relationship. Approach partnership from a mindful, patient, and intentional place rather than looking for your next relationship “quick fix”.
Talking with a professional therapist can be a very healing experience and help you overcome a sense of desperation around relationships. Individual therapy can also help you understand your relationship dynamics, patterns, and challenges on a deeper level. Having a place to honestly discuss your feelings and talking through them in a non-judgemental way can be a powerful tool in both understanding yourself and healing.
Our team at Center for Shared Insight specializes in relationship therapy and can help you overcome a sense of addiction to love or relationship desperation and anxiety. Contact us for a free consultation and learn more about how we can support you.