You may hear about dating scammers in the news, and most of these stories are about scammers trying to extort money from innocent people. While that is something to be concerned about, there are also scammers out there who present false or dishonest information in an effort to gain your attention, affection, and/or admiration. You may be especially vulnerable to these types of scammers if you are getting back into dating after divorce, have never done online dating before, haven’t dated for a long time, or aren’t equipped with the experience and tools you need to date successfully.
The world of dating changes quickly. Here are four red flags to watch out for when you are online dating and ways you can better vet anyone you’re talking with or meeting to ensure both your safety and the authenticity of your date.
You can’t find their social media profiles
Most individuals will have at least one social media profile, even if that’s LinkedIn for work purposes. In fact, it’s fine to share your social media profile (Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, etc) and request to see theirs as part of the digital “getting to know you” phase of online dating. Vet and verify anyone you are chatting with to make sure they are who they say they are and their photos on their other social profile(s) align with what they have presented on their dating profile. While it might be best not to actually friend or connect with this person on social media, to prevent uneasy feelings about disconnecting with them if things don’t work out and to maintain good boundaries around your personal life until you know the person better, it’s still a great resource to fact check some aspects of a person’s identity.
Requesting social media profile links is also a great way to see whether you have common friends, which can also be a great resource. Reach out to those common friends to make sure the person you are thinking about meeting up with is trustworthy. It’s a red flag if this person claims not to have any social media profiles or doesn’t want to share at least one with you.
They move really fast
If someone wants to immediately get together or doesn’t have an interest in getting to know you online before meeting up, they likely don’t value their own time enough and also won’t value yours. They also likely don’t want to respect your boundaries if they are rushing you into getting together before you are ready. Starting with an old-fashioned phone call is a great start, but face-timing or video call allows you to hear and see that they are in fact who they say they are. It’s not a 100% fact check, but it is a good start in feeling that there is consistency between who they say they are and who they are. Rushing to meet in person and not being open to a video call or at least a phone call is a red flag for catfishing (not being or looking like who they say they are) or scammers.
They don’t want to meet up in person
Opposite of wanting to get together too quickly, a reluctance to get together in person might be a sign that the other person lives far away and is only in town for short periods of time for work or other reasons. They could mean that this person is really a married person or an individual in a committed relationship (and not being honest about that with you or their partner(s)) that just has small windows in which they can go out with you. Reluctance to take or make phone calls might also be a sign that the other person has another relationship that they are managing alongside your dialogue. It could also mean that they aren’t anywhere near ready to be in a relationship with someone else.
They don’t follow through
While not following through might be due to the reasons listed above, any consistent lack of follow-through, as legitimate as the excuses may sound, should be a red flag. Promises without action or plans without detail qualify as a lack of follow-through and will likely continue long into the relationship (if one develops). This lack of follow-through also includes canceling dates at the last minute, outlandish stories about their phone malfunctioning, or other excuses when their actions didn’t align with their words.
In order to overcome red flags and choose dates wisely, online dating should be approached with a research mindset. Look for data and evidence that a person is who they say they are by investigating them online. It’s easy to fantasize about the future when you are getting to know someone, don’t be fooled by details that may be too good to be true. Instead, stay detached from the outcome and conclusion of the experience until you have more information. Look for saturation or consistency in the data or experiences you are having with this person. Lastly, always meet up in public and don't let someone pick you up at your home until you have met up with them a few times and have established a baseline of trust.
When you do find a match and are interested in taking next steps, don’t forget basic dating safety tips. Create a Google Voice phone number instead of giving out your cell phone (which can easily be traced to your home address), always meet in public places for the first several dates, and keep alcohol intake to a minimum. Limiting alcohol is a good idea in case things start to go wrong on your date and you need to leave the situation, and staying sober can also help you make clear decisions about the potential of the relationship.
At Center for Shared Insight, we can help you navigate the online dating scene, and relationships in general, through sharing dating practices and insights learned from working with clients in Denver, Colorado. Contact us for a free phone consultation to learn more.
