Center for Shared Insight, PC

Part 2: “If you do what you did, you get what you get”

May 3, 2021
Posted By: Kristen Hick, Psy.D.

In part one of this post, we discussed how this concept applies to goals or changes you might want to make in your life, from career to health to self-care. In part two of this post, we’ll explore how this timeless truth “If you do what you did, you get what you get” impacts your romantic relationships, dating, and potentially finding the right partner. 

At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we often see clients who are looking for the same things over and over in relationships, and often also doing the same activities trying to narrow down their dating pool to find “the one” instead of looking more comprehensively, or in new ways, for a great partner. 

This post is about dating differently to get something different out of your relationships, and, with time, greater relationship satisfaction. It’s about doing something new to get something new, as it relates to the core quote we are exploring here.

Are you looking for the right thing?

So often, clients will look for a predetermined list of qualities or physical attributes as they scan online dating profiles or meet people out in the world. They are likely working from a mental checklist of what they believe their future partner “must have” and if that person isn’t tall, dark, and handsome with a six-figure job, they may overlook a match because they didn’t see the alignment in far more important qualities. Many people fall into this trap because online dating makes judging people by these physical qualities easy since it’s so two-dimensional. It’s harder to get a sense of shared values and vision from an online dating profile, but you can lean into being open-minded and consider dating more outside the box as you narrow down profiles. 

Chances are, if you are stuck on a list of must-haves when you are dating, you rule people out far too early in the dating process and let this rigidity get in the way of clarity. If you want to get a different outcome after years of dating the same types of people, you have to intentionally and consciously choose a different input and be wide open to possibilities and opportunities you haven’t previously considered. Getting clear on your values vs. the physical and external attributes you might want to see in a partner is a good way of doing this. Learning where your potential partner aligns from a value perspective, and understanding whether you have a shared vision of the future, will take more time, patience, and creative dating, but can result in a much better long-term fit.

Are you dating in creative ways?

It’s easy to fall into the trap of meeting up for happy hour or dinner over and over again when you meet someone. These activities often involve drinking and lots of external distraction. When you chronically drink on a series of first dates, your experience of the other person is hazy, diluted, or blurry. You are not as attuned to the nuance of the conversation and connection, or how you are really feeling, which makes it difficult to make a clear decision about the next date and/or how you align with this person in a deeper and more meaningful way. Also, if your initial dates are set in places that are externally distracting (dinner with friends or a show, for example), it might be harder to understand whether you like his or her company rather than just the setting and context of the date, which felt fun and exciting. 

Keep dates simple and focused on assessing your connection with the other person. Minimize drinking to get a clearer sense of how you align on values and priorities in life - and what your intuition may be telling you. Pick date settings that foster sharing and learning about each other, and ask new and different questions on these dates. These commitments will help you get to know the real person and allow them to get to know different parts of you.

“If you do what you did, you get what you get” translates to the truth that if you keep the same patterns in your life, you’ll get the same outcomes. Our team at Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado can help you examine the ways you are dating now and understand whether making connections in new and different ways could get you the output you desire. We can be an objective party and support your journey with feedback and insights along the way.

We offer a free consultation to learn more about your situation and how we might help. You can schedule that session here. We look forward to hearing from you!

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