Do you lie in bed at night with anxious thoughts and a running mind? Do you find yourself fearful about the future for no reason? Do you tend to have the same thoughts over and over again without resolution?
If any of these scenarios speak to you, you are likely prone to overthinking or anxious thinking. In our practice in Denver Colorado, Center for Shared Insight, we often see clients who are struggling with this dynamic and we have strategies to help.
In this post, we share four questions you can ask yourself to overcome overthinking, inspired by the work of Brene Brown, and we’ll discuss ways to apply this questioning technique to also better understand and empathize with others.
1. What is the story I am telling myself about this?
Based on Brene Brown's book, Rising Strong, if your mind is racing about a particular subject, try to witness your own thoughts about a given topic and ask yourself, “what is the story I am telling myself about this situation”? For instance, your partner may be acting suddenly distant or uninterested. If you are obsessing about their behavior, you are likely also telling yourself a story of infidelity, or that you have done something wrong. If you can step back and witness your overthinking, you may realize that you are simply using those stories as a way to create understanding. Those stories usually aren’t true or helpful and identifying the tendency to tell yourself them is the first step in overcoming overthinking.
2. What do I know to be true? How can I ground in the facts, not the what-ifs or maybes?
Once you identify that you are spinning up a story to try and make sense of a situation, and creating more anxiety in the process, it’s important to ground into the facts and identify what you know is true. In that same example, you might step out of your story and simply state that your partner isn’t as engaged and responsive in the relationship today as he or she was in the past. That might be all you know for sure. You might also add other facts you know such as your partner has a new job, financial challenges, or an ill relative. Thinking through the dynamics in their life more thoroughly can help you understand and be empathetic to the contributing factors impacting the behaviors you are witnessing.
3. What are some alternatives to the story I am telling myself?
Once you have grounded into and accepted the facts about the situation, consider alternatives. Maybe your partner’s financial problems are the root cause of his or her behavior and they feel they can’t show up for you fully with the financial stress they are under. Maybe your expectations are simply different than their expectations and needs and communicating that could help close the distance between you. Take some time to imagine all the possibilities and alternative stories to explain the situation that is leading to your overthinking and anxiety.
4. What more do I need to find out in order to see if the story is true?
Lastly, as humans, we are hardwired to want certainty and understanding. It’s hard to let go of a situation without having some clarity and closure. Get clear about what you need to confirm your story, or disprove it. Recognize all the alternatives and how much you are in a loop, telling yourself a story and creating red flags because you are desperate to understand. Once you can accept your tendency to tell yourself a story, it’s easier to facilitate healthy and productive communication around what is it that you are worried about, rather than being reactive, accusatory, or even dramatic. For example, when you catch yourself doing this, say to yourself in a curious and humorous tone (rather than a critical voice), “Oh, I bet I am doing that thing again, where I tell myself a story about what’s going on, maybe I should check it out first.”
Not only does this technique work for overthinking, it can also be used to better understand a family member, friend, coworker, or partner’s thinking about a conflict, interaction, or challenge.
At Center for Shared Insight in Denver, Colorado, we help clients overcome their tendencies to spin up stories or overthink about situations in an unhealthy way. This four-question framework, adapted from Brene Brown’s work is an excellent way to get a handle on those tendencies and overcome them, while keeping an abundance mindset about all the alternatives to your story.
